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HEALTHY JOKES ....

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HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Thu Jun 13, 2013 9:59 pm

Aadmi : Bhaiya Mere Bal Chhote Chhote
Kardo..
Hajam : Kitne Chhote Karne Hain
..?
Aadmi : Utne Chhote Kardo Ke Biwi Ke Hathon Mein
Na Aa Sake..!

Pappu India Gate Pe
Chilla Raha Tha...
"Prime Minister Nikamma Hai'
'Prime Minister Nikamma
Hai'..
Police Wale Ne Usey Peetna Shuru Kar Diya Aur Bola Chal
Thane PM Ka Mazak Karta Hai...
Pappu
: Mein To England Ke PM Ko Bol Raha
Tha...
Police Ne 2 Aur
Thappad Lagaye Aur Bola.."Bewkoof Banata Hai, Kya Hame Nahi Pata Kaun

Sa PM Nikamma
Hai..!


Apna Baccha
Roye..To Dil Mein Dard Hota Hai.
Aur Dusre
Ka Roye..To Sar Mein...
Apni Biwi Roye
..To Sir Mein Dard Hota Hai...
Aur Dusre Ki Roye To
Dil Mein..!

Ek American Jodi Ko 'Kaala' Baacha Huwa..
Mard
Gussa Huwa..Aur Biwi
Se Pucha..'Yeh Kaala
Kyoo?'
Biwi Ne Jawab
Diya.." Tum
Garam..Mein Bhi Garam..Baacha Jal
Gaya..!'




Bhagwan
: Tumhare Pratna
Suni..Aab Kya Chate Ho..?
Ladka : Ek
Khubsoorat Ladki...
Bhagwan : Aagar Islam Dharam Maante
Ho..To 'Katrina' Dunga..
Agar Hindu Ko Maante
Ho..To 'Kareena'
Agar Sikh Ko..To
'Anushka'
Agar Christan Ko.. To
'Genelia'
Aab
Batao..'Naam Kya Hai..?
Ladka
: Abdul Vijay
Singh Fernandes..
Bhagwan : Naarad Se..'Mayawati' De Do Saale Ko..Banda Jyada
Smart Ban Raha Hai..!







Court Mein Case Chal Raha Tha...Case Ki
Sunwai Shuru Hone Lagi To Wakeel Utha Aur
Judge Se Bola....
Wakeel :
My Lord, Kanoon Ki Kitaab Ke Page Number 15 Ke Mutabiq
Mere Muvakeel Ko

Baizzat Bari Kiya Jaye...
Judge : Kitab Pesh Ki
Jayea...
Kitaab Pesh
Ki Gayi...
Judge Ne Page Number 15 Khola To Usmein 1000 Ke 10
Note The...
Judge : Muskurate Hue..Bahut
Khoob..Is Tarha Ke 5 Saboot Aur Pesh Kiye
Jaye..!


Bacha Ne Bhagwan Se Prathna
Ki.."Mujhe Ek Cycle Dila Do.."
Do Din Intazar Tak Kuch
Nahi Huwa..
Aakhir Bache
Ne Mandhir Se Ganeshji Ka Putla Chura Liya...
Phir Shankarji Ko Ek
Kath Likha.."Agar Apna Bacha Chaiyea To Cycle Lakar Mandir
Aajaana..!"


A Woman Was
Kidnapped...
The Kidnapper
Cut Off Her Finger And Sent It To Her Husband, Demanding Money

Husband Replied : I Want More Proof “Zuban
Bhejo"



Ek Aurat Kabar
Par Baithi Thi...
Musafir Ne
Pucha.."Tumhe Daar Nahi Lagta"?
Aurt
: kyu Ji..? Isme Darne Wali Kya
Baat Hai. Andar Garmi Lag Rahi Thi To Baahar Aa
Gai..!


Traffic Police
Vs. Pappu....
Police Ne Pappu Ko Roka Aur
Pucha.. "Aapna Driving License
Dikahau"
Pappu : Nahi Hai..
Police : Kya License Banvaya Hai Ya Nahi..?

Pappu : Nahi.
Police : Kyon?
Pappu : Banwane Gaya
Tha, Woh Voter ID Card Mangte Hain, Aur Woh Mere Paas Nahi
Hai..
Police : To Voter ID
Card Banwale..
Pappu : Banwane
Gaya Tha, Woh Ration Card Mangte Hain, Woh Mere Paas Nahi
Hai..
Police : Toh Fir Ration
Card Banwale..
Pappu : Gaya Tha,
Woh Bank Ki Paasbook Mangte Hain, Woh Mere Paas Nahi
Hai..
Police : To Phir Isme Kya Hai, Bank Main Account Khulwale
Mere Baap..
Pappu : Bank Bhi Gaya Tha Saab,
Lekin Woh Driving License Mangte Hai..!


Kya Ajeeb Iffataq
Hai..
Apna
Baccha Roye..To Dil Mein Dard Hota
Hai..
Dusre Ka Roye To
Sir Mein.
Apni Biwi Roye To Sir
Mein Dard Hota Hai..
Dusre
Ki Roye..To Dil Mein..!


College Wali Masaledar Hoti
Hai..
Office Wali
Feeki..
Ghar Wali Mein
Taste Nahi Aati,
Aur
Mast To Sirf Hotel Wali Hoti Hai,
Kis Soch Mein Par Gaye Dooston..
Main To CHAI Ki Baat Kar
Raha Hoon..!.


Tata Ko Ab NANO Ke Do Bade Nuks Samajh Aaye Hai...

Ek To Usme Garbawati
Aurat Ghus Nahi Sakti...
Doosra,Usme Aurat Garbawati
Ho Nahi Sakti..!


Ek Ladka
Ladki Dekhne Gaya...
Ladki Pasand Aayee...
Ladka
: Tum Too Muje Pasand Ho......
Ladki : Par
Kya..?
Ladka
: Tumhare Baap Ki Hasiyat Hai Muje Car Dene Ki..
?
Ladki : Mere Baap Ki Hasiyat Too Aero-Plane Dene Ki
Hai..
Ladka : Aacha..Par Kya..?
Ladki
: Tere Baap Ki Hasiyat Hai Airport Banane Ki..
?
Ladka : Shocked !
Ladki :
Rocked


Kuwara Ladka Aachanak Mar
Gaya
Maa Ka Ro Kar Bura
Hal Tha..Bhagwan Se Shiyat Kar Rahi Thi..
Maa : Hey Bhagwan..Yeh Kaisa Insaaf Tera..Isne
To Aabhi Tak Jawani Bhi Nahi Dekhi Thi..
Pasosan : Maaji Ro Math..Maina Use Jawani Chaka Di
Thi..!


Ek Aadmi Ne Bus
Conductor Se Pucha : Aap Kitne Ghante Bus Mein Rehte
Ho..?
Conductor : 24 Ghante..
Aadmi : Wo
Kaise..?
Conductor : 8 Ghante City Bus Mein, Baaki 16 Ghante Biwi Ke
“BASME” !


Ek Budda Hotel Mein
Aaya..Saath Main Budhiya Ko Bhi Laya..
Dono Ne Waiter Se Apne
Apne Farmaish ki
Pehle Budhe Ne
Khaya..
Budhiya Ne Bill Chukaya

Phir Budhiya Ne Khaya

Budhe Ne Bill Chukaya

Ye Dekh Waiter Ka Sar
Chakraya Wo Unke Paas Aaya Aur Bola..
Jab Tum Dono Mein Itna Pyar Hai To
Khana Ek Sath Que Nahi Khaya
Is Par Budhe Ne Farmaya "Jaani " Tera Sawal To Nek
Hai...
Par Hamre Pass Daanto Ka Ek Hi Set sirf
Hai.


Ek Naye Shadi Sudha Joda Ne Paper Mein
Istiyar Diya..
"Ladka Paida Karne Ka Tarika
Batao?"
Bengal Se Kath Aya..Biwi Ko Machli
(Fish) Do.
Kerala S Kath Aya..,Idli
Do.
Himachal Se Kath Aya Saph (Apple)
Do.
Gujarat Se Kath Aya Dhokla
Do.
Maharashtra Se Kath Aya... Wada Pao
Do.
Punjab Se Kath
Aya.." Sanu Sewa Da
Mauka Deo "!!
carlos
Guru Da Pyara
 
Posts: 283
Joined: Sat May 08, 2010 2:12 pm
Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Thu Jun 13, 2013 10:17 pm

A lady goes to her priest and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,


But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,

'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

I have taught them to pray and recite the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

We'll put them in same cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots will teach your parrots to praise and worship,

Thank you,' the woman replied thrilled.

Next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot exclaimed at the other male parrot

'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!!'
carlos
Guru Da Pyara
 
Posts: 283
Joined: Sat May 08, 2010 2:12 pm
Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Fri Jun 14, 2013 1:52 pm

HA HA HA

An airline introduced a special package for businessmen. Buy your ticket; get your wife's ticket free.
After a great success, the airline sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply, "Which trip?"
*******************************************

Husband was seriously ill. After thorough examination, doctor sent him outside to wait.
Doctor to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant to him and keep him in good mood, don’t discuss your problems, don’t demand new clothes or gold jewels. Do this for one year and he will be fine.
On the way home, husband asked wife: What did the doctor say?
Wife: No matter what we do for you, you are going to die!
*******************************************

An intelligent wife is one who spends so much that her husband can't afford another woman.
*******************************************

Wife buys a new phone and decides to surprise her husband who is sitting in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband from the new number: "Hello darling!"
The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later honey, the dumb lady is in the kitchen.”
*******************************************

Cool message by a woman: Dear mother-in-law, "don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement."
*******************************************

A kid was beaten by his mom.
Dad came home and asked, “What happened son?”
Kid said, “I can’t adjust with your wife anymore, I need my own.”
*******************************************

In an African safari, a lion suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
Wife: Shoot him! Shoot him!
Santa: Yes, yes. I'm changing the battery in my camera..
*******************************************

What is the difference between mother and wife?
A – One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.
*******************************************

Husband and wife are like 2 tires of a vehicle.
If one punctures, the vehicle can't move further.
Moral: Always keep a spare tire....
*******************************************

What's the similarity between chewing gum and begum (wife) ??
Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless and sticky in the end..
*******************************************

A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled:
"How would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
The man couldn’t believe his luck.
He blurted out: 'That would be great'!
Monday passed and he didn’t see her......
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday passed too.....
On Friday his swelling became better and now he could see her from the corner of one eye.
*******************************************

You know why the word woman starts with 'w'?
Because all questions start with "w".. !
Who ?
Why ?
What ?
When ?
Which ?
Whom ?
Where ?
&
finally Wife..!!!
*******************************************

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches how to choose a wife.
Natural disasters just happen.
*******************************************

Wife: last night I had a dream that you were sending me jewellery and clothes! Just then my eyes opened.
Husband: Yeah, you didn’t see the end of that dream where I saw your dad paying the bill !!!
*******************************************

A recently fired stock trader said, "This is worse than divorce. I have lost everything and I still have my wife !!!! "
*******************************************

Message of the year:-
Women live a better, longer and peaceful life..!!
Why?
Very simple... A woman does not have a wife..!!!
carlos
Guru Da Pyara
 
Posts: 283
Joined: Sat May 08, 2010 2:12 pm
Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Fri Jun 14, 2013 1:59 pm

FUNNY MALAYALI INGLISH:



Name the wonly part of the werld where Malayalis don't werk hard?

Kerala.

************ *



Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?


Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.

************ *




Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?

To go to Thoobai, to meet his ungle in the Gelff.

************ *



Why do Malayali's go to the Gelff?

To yearn menney.

************ *



What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?

He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

************ *



What is a Malayali management graduate called?

Yem Bee Yay.

************ *



Why did his wife divorce him?

Because he was louwing another woman.

************ *



Who found out that?

His Andy.

************ *



What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?

He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

************ *



What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?

An Oto.

************ *



Who is a Malayali's famous yeactor end yaectress?

Moghan lal, Mammooti, Geedha, Revadhi, Zilgsmidha end Ambiga.

************ *



Why is Kerala the most highly literate state in India?

Its easily giving Degree to get rid of the peapals from Kerala.

************ *



Why are Arab countries looking only for Keralites?

They are ready to do yennything for menney.

*************



SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: You should at least send this mail to:


10 Malayalis and you will receive cokknut oil,

20 Malayalis and you will receive bennena chips,

40 Malayalis you will receive appams,

Send this to 100 Malayalis and you will get free land near the rice field behind the lungi factory with additional incentive of a whole month's supply of cokknut oil and bennena chips free.
carlos
Guru Da Pyara
 
Posts: 283
Joined: Sat May 08, 2010 2:12 pm
Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Fri Jun 14, 2013 2:01 pm

On Indian Politicians and money .....

While hair cutting, official Barber asked Kapil Sibal: “What’s this Swiss Bank issue?”

Kapil Sibal shouted: “You! Are you cutting my hair or making inquiry?”

Barber: “Sorry Sir, I just asked.”

Next day, while cutting the hair, he asked Chidambaram: “Sir, what’s this Black money issue?”

Chidambaram shouted: “Why did you ask me this question?”

Barber: “Sorry Sir, just asked you.”

Next day, CBI interrogated the Barber, “Are you an agent of Baba Ramdev?”

Barber: “No, Sir.”

CBI: “Are you the agent of Anna?”

Barber: “No, Sir.”

CBI: “Then while cutting the hair, why did you ask Congress Ministers about Swiss Bank and Black money issues?”

Barber: “Sir, I do not know why, but when I ask about Swiss Bank or Black money, Congress Ministers’ hairs stand up straight and that helps me to cut the hair easily. That’s why I keep asking.”
carlos
Guru Da Pyara
 
Posts: 283
Joined: Sat May 08, 2010 2:12 pm
Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Fri Jun 14, 2013 2:11 pm

On Santa Aur Bunta:



Santa Ke Ghar Uske Sasural Wale Aaye..
Biwi Boli...Jao Bahar Se Kuch Le Kar Aao.
Santa Bahar Gaya Aur Taxi Lekar Aa Gaya..!



Teacher : Delhi Mein Kutub Minar Hai..
Papu Was Sleeping In Class So The Teacher Shakes Him Awake.
Teacher : What Did I Just Say..
Papu : Delhi Mein Kutta Bimar Hai..!



Santa Ne Ek Kawa ( Crow ) Paal Liya..
Wo Bahot Mulayam ( Soft ) Tha..
To Usne Apne Kawve Ka Naam 'Microsoft' ( Mi-Crow-Soft ) Rakh Diya..!



Santa : Oye Puttar, Gabra Mat..Tu Sher Da Puttar Hai..!
Papu : Oye Papaji..Teacher Bhi Yehi Bolti Hai K Tu Kisi Jaanwar Ki Aulad Hai..!



Teacher : You Call Your Mother As Mum...
What Do You Call Your Mother's Younger Sister & Elder Sister?
Papu : So Simple, I Call Them Minimum & Maximum..!



Santa : I Divorced My Wife On The 1st Night...
Bunta : Why?
Santa : I Saw The Label On Her Panties, "Tested OK by Mafatlal & Sons."



Santa : Praji, My Wife Is Very Scared Of Water...
Bunta : How Do You Know?
Santa : Twice When I Got Home I Saw Her Having Bath With The Security Guard..!



The Nurse Was Squeezing Santa's Finger &Taking His Blood Sample ..
Santa : Laughing.....
Nurse : Why Are You Laughing..?
Santa : After This..Is My Urine Test..!.



On The First Night Of Their Marriage Bunta Gives Preeto Rs.500 And Says....
" I Have Never Done This For Free"
Preeto Returns Rs.200 And Says..."I Have Not Charged More Than This Before"



Doctor : I Can't Find A Cause For Your Illness, Frankly, I Think It's Due To Drinking..
Santa : In That Case, I'll Come Back When You Are Sober..!



Bunta : In India Throughout The Year, Where Does Ice Fall The Maximum?
Santa : In Whiskey Glasses..!



Banta : Arey Praji, Kitni Baar Samjhiya Ke Raat Ko Mobile Phone Charging Pe Matt Rakho,
Blast Ho Jayega....
Santa : Aap Tension Matt Lijiye, Maine Battery Baahar Nikaal Di Hai..!



Santa Blood Ke Bare Mein Kitab Padh Raha Tha...
Jasmeet : Aaji..Aaj Aap Yeh Kitab Que Pad Rahe Ho..?
Santa : Mujhe Doctor Ne Kaha Hai Ki Kal Mera Blood Test Hai..Iss Liyea Test Ki Tayari
Kar Raha Hoon..!



Banta : Meri Biwi Mujhe Chhod Kar Chali Gayi...
Santa : Tumne Uska Khyal Nahi Rakhta Hoga.
Banta : Wahe Guru Ki Saughand, Saggi Behan Ki Tarah Rakhta Tha..!


Santa Phone Par...
Banta : Kis Se Baat Kar Rahe Ho?
Santa : Biwi Se...
Banta : Itne Pyar Se...?
Santa : Tumhari Hai Iss Liyea..!.



Santa : Is Operation Se Mujhe Kuchh Ho Jayea To Isi Doctor Se Shadi Ka Lena...
Jeeto : Aise Kyo Kah Rahe Ho?
Santa : Doctor Se Badla Lene Ka Yehi Ek Rasta Hoga..!


Santa Aur Banta Mujra Dekhne Gayea....Aur Sari Raat Mujra Dekhte Rehea....
Mujhre Wali Bai Ne Kaha : Sahab Humne Aap Dono Ko Khush Kiya...
Ab Aap Bhi Mujhea Khush Keeygea..
Santa Aur Banta Dono Uthe Aur Naachne Legea..!.



Santa : Bus Stand Jane Ke Kitne Paise Longe..?
Rikshawala : 10 Rupaya..
Santa : 2 Rupaya Mein Chaloge To Theek Hai..
Rikshawala : 2 Rs Mein Kaun Le Kar Jayega..?
Santa : Peeche Baith, Main Lekar Jata Hoon..!



Jasmeet : Saare Log Kehte Hain Ki Mujhe Bhagwan Ne Badi Fursat Mein Banaya Hai
Santa : Theek Kehte Hain...Faaltu Ke Saare Kaam Fursat Mein Hi Kiye Jaate Hain..!



Santa Ke Sir Se Khoon Nikal Raha Tha...
Doctor : Ye Kaise Hua..?
Santa : Main Hath Se Diwar Tod Raha Tha, Kisi Ne Kaha' "Paji Kabhi Khopdi Ka Bhi Istemal
Kar Lia Karo"...



Banta Gift Wrapped A Gun For Santa's Wedding..
He Enclosed It With A Note.."Fire In Air If Wife Is A Virgin, And Shoot Her If Not"
Santa Fires The Gun In Air The First Night...
And Shoots Her On The Second Night.
Hey Waiguru..!



Santa Har Baar Apna Password Bhool Jata Tha...
Who Sochne Laga Main Aisa Password Rakhu Jo Kabhi Na Bhooloon...
Usne Password Rakha ''INCORRECT''
Ab Jab Bhi Woh Galat Password Enter Karta Hai, Computer Khud Usey Bata Deta Hai
"Your Password Is Incorrect."
Santa Rocked...Computer Shocked...!



At A Party A Lady Wanted To Go To The Toilet...
Thinking Bunta To Be A Doorman..She Inquired.."Susu Karne Ki Jagah Dikhao"..
Bunta : You Naughty Lady..Pehle Tum Dikhao!



Santa Met A Lady In A Bar And Said To Her..Let Us Have Sex..
She Said, OK But I'm Having My Menstrual Cycle..
Santa : That Is Fine..I Have My Hero Honda!



Jasmeet Kaur Was Found Taking A Bath With The Door Open...
When Asked..
She Said She Wanted To Make Sure That No One Was Peeping Through The Keyhole!



Santa Ko Rasta Ke Nookad Par Peshab Karte Dekh Ladki Doosre Raste Se Jane Lagi....
Santa Bola..Daro Mat Baby, Jis Se Dar Rahi Ho Usko Maine Pakad Rakha Hai..!



Santa : Can I Touch Your Software..?
Girl : First Show Me Your Hardware!
Santa : Should I Install It In Your System..?
Girl : First Cover It With Anti Virus And Then Install..!



Santa Is Deeply In Thought..Thinking Of A Way To Kill That Lion..
Finally He Comes To A Conclusion..
I Will Drink Poison And Then Let The Lion Eat Me!



A Customer Walks In Santa's Store..
Customer : Bhaisaab, Underwear Dikhana...
Santa : Oye, Sorry Yaar, Aaj Pehana Nahin..!



Santa Sitting And Thinking Hard..
Jasmeet : Kya Soch Rahe Ho..?
Santa : Yeh STAR TV Walon Ko Kaise Pata Chalta..?
Jasmeet : Kya Pata Chala..?
Santa : Ke Main STAR PLUS Dekh Raha Hoon..!



Santa Went To His Local STD/ISD/PCO Booth..
Glancing Around..Slapped The Operator Twice...
Astonished Operator Asked For A Reason..
Santa : Aap Ne He Board Lagaya Hai..Number Dial Karne Se Pehle 2 Lagao..!



Santa Sees A Girl Wearing A T-Shirt That Reads : HANDLE WITH CARE.
Next Day He Is Seen Wearing Jeans..Printed With..CANDLE WITH HAIR.



During Santa's Recent Visit To The USA, He Saw A Building On Fire, And Noted People
Trapped In There...
He Approaches The Building And Shouts Loud And Clear..
"My Name Is Santa Singh, I'm A Weight Lifting Champion..Please Jump From The Building With
Confidence, And I Will Catch You Below..!"
All The Trapped People Heave A Sigh Of Relief.
First A White Woman Jumps..
Santa Catches Her And She Is Saved
Next A White Man Jumps..
Santa Catches Him And The Man Is Saved.
Next A Black Man Jumps..
Santa Doesn't Catch Him, So He Lands On The Concrete Floor And Dies..
Santa Looks Up At The Saviors In Distress And Yells..
"Don't Play Jokes With Me, There's No Point In Throwing Down The Burnt...!"



Santa Ko Samaan Lena Tha To Store Mein Gaya...
Santa : Mujhe Dog Food Chahiye!
Salesgirl : Sir, Aapke Paas Kutta Hai..?
Santa : Han Hai..Par Ghar Mein Hai!
Salesgirl : Maaf Karna Sir, Store Policy Hai..Ki Zaroorat Dekh Kar Sales Karo..
Santa Aagle Din....
Santa : Mujhe Cat Food Chahiye..!
Salesgirl : Sir Billie Hai..?
Santa : Han..Ghar Mein Hai..!
Salesgirl : Sorry Sir, Saboot Chahiye..
Santa Do Din Baad Phir...
Santa : Iss Bag Mein Haath Dal Kar Saboot Check Karo..
Salesgirl Ne Hath Daal Kar Kaha..Kuch Garam..Geela..Mulayum Sa Hai..Par Hai Kya..?
Santa : Yeh Meri Tatti Hai..Mujhe Toilet Paper Chahiye..!



Santa Opened A Restaurant Next Door To A Japenese Restaurant Called 'Teriyaki' In
New York City..
After Struggling With Many Names For His Restaurant...
He Finally Settled On Naming It..'Terimaki'



Doctor : Aapki Biwi Ab Sirf Do Dino Ki Mehman Hai..I'm So Sorry..
Santa : Isme Sorry Ki Kya Baat Hai Dr. Saab. Nikaal Lenge Ye Do Din Bhi Jaise-Taise..!


Jasmeet Aspatal Mein Behosh Ho Gayi...!!
Doctor : Yeh Mar Gai Hai...
Jab Usko Jalane Lage To Woh Uth Baithi Aur Boli Main Zinda Hoon...!!
Santa : Chupchap Padi Reh Gawar, Tu Doctor Se Zyada Janti Hai Kya..?....
Jalao Ji Jalao...!



Santa Was Arrested In A Political Rally..
Judge : Now..What Are The Charges Against This Defendant..
Prosecutor : He Saw A Girl Crossing The Grounds With A Badge On Her Chest, Saying 'Press'
He Went Ahead And Pressed..!



Bunta : Log Hamare Bare Mein Kya Sochte Hain..
Santa : Agar Yeh Bhi Hum Hi Sochenge Toh Phir Log Kya Sochenge..!
Jiyo Bindas...!



Santa And Banta Went To A Call Girl..
Santa : Honestly, It Was A Waste Of Money, My Wife Is Better..
Bunta : No Doubt About It, Your Wife Is Definitely Better..!



Santa Goes To The Doctor With Both Ears Burnt Up..
Doctor : How Did This Happen..?
Santa : I Was Ironing My Clothes..A Marketing Agent Called..Accidentally..
I Picked Up The Hot Iron Instead Of The Phone...
Doctor : But What About The Second Ear..?
Santa : The Bastard Called Again..!



Santa Biwi Ka Aantim Sanskar Kar Ke Ghar Ja Raha Tha..
Tab..Bijli Chamki, Badal Garje, Aur Jor Se Barsat Hui...
Santa Sir Utha Kar Bola..Sukhar Hai Waheguru..Lagta Hai Tumhare Yaha Pouch Gayee..!



Preeto : Aaji..Yeh 'Pyar' Aur 'Ishq' Mein Kya Faraq Hai..?
Bunta : Pyar Who Hai Jo Main Apne Bahen Ke Saath Karta Hoon..
Aur Ishq Who Hai Jo Main Tumhare Bahen Ke Saath Karta Hoon..!



Bunta And Preeto Are Waiting At A Bus Stop...
Tapori : Kya Praji, Rakheli Hai Kya..?
Bunta : Rakheli Hogi Teri..Meri To Yeh Biwi Hai..!



Bunta : Yeh Underwear Kitnea Ka Diya..?
Dukandar : Sirji 500 Rupaye Ka..
Bunta : Bhai Daily Wear Wala Dikaw..Party Wear Ka Nahi..!



Santa : Praji..Why Does Our PM Manmohan Singh Go For His Daily Walks During Evenings..?
Bunta : Don't You Know..He Is PM Not Am..!



Santa : Doctor, I Have Heavy Loose Motions, I Am Unable To Control..
Doctor : Did You Try The Lemon..I Suggested Last Month..?
Santa : Yes..But When I Remove It, It Starts All Over Again..!



Doctor : Aapka Aur Aapki Biwi Jasmeet Ka Khoon Ek Hi Group Ka Hai..
Santa : Jaroor Hoga..25 Saal Se Jo Mera Khoon Pee Rahi Hai..!



Bunta : Inspector..Why Have You Locked Up My Friend In Jail..?
Inspector : Because He Forcefully Pulled Out Six People From The Burning Building..
Bunta : But Isn't That Wonderful..He Saved Six Lives..
Inspector : Well..All Six Were Fire Brigade Personnel..!



Santa And Bunta Sitting At An Irish Pub..See A Sexy Girl On The Next Table..
Santa Calls The Barman And Says..Pass Her A Drink On Me..
Barman : Sir..You Should Know, She Is A Lesbian..
Santa : No Problem With That..And Goes Ahead To Her..
Madam, So Where Do You Live In Lesbia..?



Santa And Bunta Were Working For Delhi Cantonment.
Santa Would Dig A Hole ...He Would Dig, Dig, Dig.
Bunta Would Come From Behind And Fill The Hole...Fill, Fill, Fill.
Both Worked Furiously; One Digging A Hole, The Other Filling It Up Again.
A Man Was Watching Them From His Balcony And Couldn't Believe How Hard Both Men Were Working, But Couldn't Understand The Logic Of What They Were Doing.
Finally He Went Down To Enquire....
He Said To Santa, "I Have Been Watching And Appreciate How Hard You Work, But What Are
You Doing..? You Dig A Hole And Your Partner Comes Behind You And Fills It Up Again!"
Santa Replied, "Oh Yeah, Must Look Funny, But Our Third Partner Who Plants The Trees On
These Side Walks Us Sick Today
carlos
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Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:40 pm

New Definitions

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.



DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.



PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.



PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no
idea what's happened.



SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.



SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.



SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.



CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.



EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.



FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.



OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.



MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.



COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.



EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.



OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.



BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."



BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are
out can behave like teen-agers.



TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity
carlos
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Re: HEALTHY JOKES .... Tax structure in India

Postby carlos » Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:59 pm

TAX STRUCTURE OF INDIA

What Are You Engaged In?
Ans : Business
Tax : Pay Professional Tax

What Kind Of Business?
Ans : Selling Goods.
Tax : Pay Sales Tax

From Where Do You Source Goods?
Ans : From Other States/Overseas
Tax : Pay Central Sales Tax, Customs Duty & Octroi

How Is Your Business Doing?
Ans : Its Profitable.
Tax : Pay Income Tax

How Do You Distribute Profit ?
Ans : By Way Of Dividend
Tax : Pay Dividend Distribution Tax

Where Do You Process/Manufacture The Goods?
Ans : In A Factory
Tax : Pay Excise Duty

Do You Have An Office / Warehouse / Factory?
Ans : Yes
Tax : Pay Municipal & Fire Tax

Do You Have Staff?
Ans : Yes
Tax : Pay Staff Professional Tax

Doing Business In Millions?
Ans : Yes
Tax : Pay Turnover Tax
Ans : No
Tax : Then Pay Minimum Alternate Tax

Do You Withdraw Over Rs.25,000 Cash From The Bank?
Ans : Yes, For Salary.
Tax : Pay Cash Handling Tax

How Do You Entertain Your Clients For Lunch & Dinner?
Ans : At Restaurants/Hotels
Tax : Pay Food & Entertainment Tax

Do You Travel Out Of Station For Business?
Ans : Yes
Tax : Pay Fringe Benefit Tax

Have You Taken Or Given Any Service/s?
Ans : Yes
Tax : Pay Service Tax

What's This Big Entry In Your Bank Account?
Ans : Gift On Birthday
Tax : Pay Gift Tax

Do You Have Any Wealth?
Ans : Yes
Tax : Pay Wealth Tax

For Entertainment, Where Do You Go?
Ans : Cinema Or Resorts
Tax : Pay Entertainment Tax

Have You Purchased A House?
Ans : Yes
Tax : Pay Stamp Duty & Registration Fee & Now Also Include VAT.

How Do You Travel?
Ans : Bus
Tax : Pay Surcharge

Any Additional Tax?
Ans : Yes
Tax : Pay Educational, Additional Educational & Surcharge On All The
Central Govt.'s Taxes

Delayed Paying Any Tax?
Ans : Yes
Tax : Pay Interest & Penalty

Do You Have Any Aged Relatives?
Ans : Yes.
Tell Them To Hang On, We Plan To Introduce Inheritance Tax!!
carlos
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Re: HEALTHY JOKES .... on Gandhi Ji

Postby carlos » Wed Jul 03, 2013 10:04 pm

Swarg Mein Gandhiji Chitragupt Se Mile

Tab Gandhiji Ne Apna Dharti Ke Teen Bandaro Ka Hal Pucha..

Chitraguptji Bole..Wo Teeno Bade Majame Hai..

Jo Aandha Tha..Wo Kanoon Ban Gaya Hai.

Jo Behra Tha..Wo Sarkar Ban Gaya Hai.

Jo Goonga Tha..Wo Sabse Maast Hai...Aur PM Ban Gaya Hai..!
carlos
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Re: HEALTHY JOKES .... Wife vs Girlfriend

Postby carlos » Wed Jul 03, 2013 10:12 pm

Wife is like a tv
Girlfriend is like a mobile

At home u watch tv
but when u go out u take ur mobile

no money, u keep ur old tv
got money, u change ur mobile

sometimes u enjoy tv
but most of the time u play with ur mobile

tv is free for life
but for the mobile, if u dont pay, services will be terminated

tv is big and bulky
mobile is cute, slim, curvy and very portable

operational costs for tv is minimal
but for the mobile it is often high and demanding

most importantly, mobile is a two-way communication ( u talk and listen )
but with the tv you must only listen ( whether you like it or not )

but remember.....


Tv’s dont have viruses
but mobiles often do .
carlos
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Re: HEALTHY JOKES .... Never make a woman angry ...

Postby carlos » Wed Jul 03, 2013 10:32 pm

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to
greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting
all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died
before her.

They saw her and began shouting greetings to her: "Hello! How are you?! We've been
waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place!
How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter approached the woman and asked her to watch the
Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven,
her husband arrived.

"Well, I'm really surprised to see you!" the woman exclaimed. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I'd been doing pretty well since you died, actually," her husband replied. "I
married the beautiful, young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then
I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought
a huge mansion. And my wife and I have been traveling all around the world. In fact,
we were on vacation in Cancun when I went water-skiing today. I fell and hit my
head, so here I am. What a bummer! Anyway, how do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis", she replied.

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . or there will be Hell to pay!

NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the lung-disease:
"pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" (45 letters).
carlos
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Posts: 283
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Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES .... I am a "pucca" Indian

Postby carlos » Thu Jul 04, 2013 8:12 pm

I AM A “PUCCA” INDIAN

I am an Indian ... and these my following “virtues” make me more so.

When the shampoo bottle seems to be over, I pour some water in it, shake it, and use it for another bath.

That for me a toothpaste isn't over until I've entirely flattened it out and started rolling it up from the back.

That I buy broccoli and avocados for 300 Rupees, but still ask for some dhaniya patta for free.

That I don't just recycle gifts, I recycle the gift-wrapping paper too.

Our home has fine bone china crockery which is used only when guests visit.

That I worry about price of gold without any reason of buying it!

That I will beat the crap out of my remote to make it work but not change the battery

I get so disappointed if the pani puri guy doesn't give a free sukha puri in the end when I ask for one.

That I won't have my breakfast and starve myself if I have been invited for a lunch buffet.

That when my T-shirt gets old, I use it as night wear, when it gets older, I play holi in it & then I use it as a pochha.

That I ask for extra oregano and chili flakes from the Dominos guy, so that I can use them later in Maggi.
carlos
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Re: HEALTHY JOKES .... New greetings ....

Postby carlos » Fri Jul 05, 2013 1:14 pm

New Greetings:

May your happiness increase like Petrol Prices,
May your sorrow fall like Indian Rupee, and
May your joy fill your heart like corruption in India..!


Congress is fulfilling its promise, when they said:
GDP will rise this year.
The only thing we forgot to ask him
is what the initials stand for:
G = Gas & Gold
D = Diesel & Dollar
P = Petrol & Penny


Pleasure & Pain come at the same price:
Rs.80/- for a Beer Bottle
OR
1 Litre Petrol.
Decision is yours… झूम लो, या घूम लो!


All Girls’ Dream come True!
All Girls’ Dream: men will come on horse!
All thanks to the Petrol Price Hike!


Dear Father-in-Law,
I deeply regret taking a Car in dowry.
Please take your Daughter or Car back…
I cannot afford both.


Now Tata Nanos fuel cost will be more than its
EMI: Equal Monthly Installments!




Finally it has happened…
After decades,
Beer is now cheaper than petrol!
There will be new slogan:
JUST DRINK, DON’T DRIVE!


Expensive petrol will help solve the
problems of traffic jams!


Drink and drive should not be a problem now.
After all, how many will be able to afford
alcohol and petrol on the same day?

We have the world’s cheapest car and
the world’s costliest petrol.
रिकॉर्ड बन गया!


Sign board at Petrol pump:
Buy Petrol worth Rs. 20,000 and
get a TATA Nano Absolutely FREE
Scheme for आम आदमी  Now he can get car with petrol!


Man at Petrol Pump: "Full tank कर दो..."
Attendant: "Sir, PAN Card की copy दो..."
Man: What? Why? How?"
Attendant: "Sir, it’s a HIGH VALUE TRANSACTION
carlos
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Posts: 283
Joined: Sat May 08, 2010 2:12 pm
Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES .... President Obama and queen Elizabethh

Postby carlos » Mon Jul 08, 2013 9:42 pm

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.


Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama: "Mr President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential" replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
carlos
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Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Fri Jul 12, 2013 8:25 pm

The Thief Catcher Machine

Israelis invented a machine that catches thieves;
they took it out to different countries for a test.

In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 30 thieves;

In UK, in 30 minutes it caught 50 thieves;

In Spain, in 30 minutes it caught 65 thieves;

In Ghana, in 30 minutes it caught 600 thieves;



In India, in 15 minutes the machine was stolen !!!!!!!!!
(with Government connivance.)
carlos
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