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HEALTHY JOKES ....

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Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Wed Jul 24, 2013 10:05 pm

How Various People Search For A Wife ......


FISHERMAN

Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish.
Must have own boat with motor.
Please send photograph of motorboat.

SALESMAN

Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!

ECONOMIST

I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.

MATHEMATICIAN

Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.

IT CONSULTANT

Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency. Compatibility could be an issue.

BUSINESS MAN

Wife wanted for company.

POLITICIAN

I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society................. (etc etc and never getting to the point)

CAR DEALER

Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.

FARMER

Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.

LAWYER

I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage.
The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.

PILOT

Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!

BANKER

Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

SHAAYAR

Burri muddat keh baad eik arazoo jaagi hai,
Key hum bee shaadi shooda ho jaayeh,
Kya bahaana shaadi karaney ka............... joh kurrey sarey sarey,
Yeah mai butaatah hoon .........
Kyoon key yaroo ub khud ghur keh kaam hotah nahee sarey sarey.

ACCOUNTANT

Required a girl - 5'8' 36' 24' 36' with a good head for figures. She must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible. She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.

SHARABI

Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a drinks factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round. Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally in a bar or send drinks for trial. Sample should be ample.

MINICAB DRIVER

Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from base, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but map reading skills are a bonus.

BEGGAR

Allah kay naam peh koi eik biwi dey dey,
Doosrey kee nahi to upni hee dey dey,
Allah terah bullah kurrey,
Tujhey eik key balley doh dey dey,
Hillery hogi toh Monika bhi dey dey!

BUILDER

Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.

DOCTOR

I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.

ARMY COMMANDO

My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.

RACE CAR DRIVER

A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace!

ASTRONAUT

I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!
carlos
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Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Thu Jul 25, 2013 1:14 pm

Husband: I found Aladin's lamp today.
Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling??
Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times..
Wife: oh..jaan..luv u so much.. Did he do that??
Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.

Ek aadmi ne conductor se pucha: Aap kitne ghante bus me rehte ho?
Conductor: 24 hours.
Aadmi: Wo kaise?
Conductor: 8 ghante city bus me, Baaki 16 ghante biwi ke "BASME".!
Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home??
Boss: I am a lion at home too, But Goddess Durga sits on the lion there!

A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.Was the necklace FAKE?Nooooo! That was the deal :)


A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook!!


Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed..."

Bhakt: Swami ji, aisi Patni ko kya kahte hai jo Gori ho, Lambi ho, sundar ho, Inteligent ho, Pati ko samjhe, Or kabhi jhagda n kare?
Swami: Mann ka Vaham kahte hain Beta, Mann ka Vaham!!!!
carlos
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Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Fri Aug 09, 2013 8:46 pm

WOMEN 'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No, ' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally. '

carlos
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Posts: 283
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Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Fri Aug 09, 2013 8:48 pm

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN 'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I 'm not going to understand women.

I 'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.
carlos
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Posts: 283
Joined: Sat May 08, 2010 2:12 pm
Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Fri Aug 09, 2013 8:49 pm

WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours? '

'Yep, ' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
carlos
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Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Fri Aug 09, 2013 8:51 pm

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men....

The husband then turned to his wife and asked,

'What? '
carlos
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Posts: 283
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Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Fri Aug 09, 2013 8:53 pm

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day :

'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded:

'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
carlos
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Posts: 283
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Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Fri Aug 09, 2013 8:58 pm

WHAT A WIFE: THE WIFE KNOWS HOW TO SEND HER MAN TO PRISON!!!



A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60;
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit,
the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off,
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)

'Only when he's been drinking.!!
carlos
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Posts: 283
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Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Fri Aug 09, 2013 9:06 pm

Who is a MAN?

For the 1st time something on a MAN, Do read it

A man is the most beautiful part of God's creation,
who starts compromising at a very tender age.

He sacrifices his chocolates for his sister.

He sacrifices his dreams,
for just a smile on his parents face.

He spends his entire pocket money,
on buyng gifts for the girl he loves just 2 see her smiling

He sacrifices his full youth,
for his wife & children by working late @ night without any complain.

He builds their future by takng loans from banks,
and repayng them for lifetime.

He struggles a lot,
& still has 2 bear scolding from his mother, wife & boss.

His mother, wife & boss all try 2 control him.

His life finally ends up only by compromising for others happiness.

Respect every male in your life.
U will never know what he has sacrificed for U.

Worth sending 2 every man 2 make him smile & every woman 2 make her realize his worth!!

BECHARA MARD...!?

Agar aurat par hath uthaye to BESHARAM,

Aurat se maar khae to BUZDIL,

Aurat ko kisi ke 7 dekh ker ladai kre to JEALOUS,

Chup rahe to DARPOK,

ghar se bahar rahe to AAWARA,

ghar me rahe to NAAKARA,

bachho ko dante to ZALIM,

na dante to LAPARWAH,

Aurat ko naukari karane se roke to SHAK KARNE WALA,

na rokey to BIWI ki kamai KHANE WALA,

Maa ki mane to CHAMCHA,

Biwi ki sune to Joru ka GULAM...

Na Jane Kab Aayega:

"HAPPY MEN'S DAY"
carlos
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Posts: 283
Joined: Sat May 08, 2010 2:12 pm
Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Tue Aug 13, 2013 8:13 pm

TWO LIONS....

Two lions escape from a zoo. One of the lions had been captured from the jungle, so he runs back to the jungle.

The other was born in the zoo itself - so is basically a city-slicker. He vanishes into the city.
Three days later the jungle-lion is recaptured - and returned to the zoo.

A month passes, then two, three..... but city-lion is not traceable!
Finally, after six months the city-lion is also recaptured and brought back to the zoo.

Jungle-lion is amazed to see his friend.

Jungle-lion: For God's sake, how were you able to evade these guys for 6 whole months?

City-lion: Kuchh nahi yaar! I just went to a government department, and hid behind a huge pile of dusty files that they have there.

Jungle-lion: But what did you eat there?

City-lion: Arrey, there was an unlimited supply of government servants.

Whenever I ate one, they hired five more.

Nobody did any work anyway, so nobody missed the ones I ate.

Jungle-lion: Wow! But, then how did you get caught?

City-lion: Galti kar gaya yaar...

On the last day I ate the chai-walla. Now, everyone missed their chai-walla for their chai!

They launched a massive hunt. And I got caught
carlos
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Posts: 283
Joined: Sat May 08, 2010 2:12 pm
Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Thu Aug 22, 2013 1:22 pm

WELCOME IN THE PLANE...

Co-pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane,
shortly after take off.

"Thank you for flying with us this morning.

The weather is....."
When suddenly he starts screaming,
while he is still on the loud speakers:" Oh my God. OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt....Its burning"

A ghostly Silence reigned!
He gets back on the microphone talking to the passengers:
"I sincerely apologize for the incident,
but the air hostess just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap...
you should see my pants from the front"

A passenger replies

"Why don't you come here and see Our PANTS FROM BEHIND"!!
carlos
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Posts: 283
Joined: Sat May 08, 2010 2:12 pm
Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES .... Wife catching a Husband...

Postby carlos » Thu Sep 19, 2013 9:21 pm

Wife caught Husband sleeping with his
girlfriend.

With anger she aimed a pistol at her husband.

Husband- Before you do anything silly let me explain. I read Mahatma Gandhi's autobiography last night "My experiments with truth".

He used to sleep with young women to check his will power and control over carnal desires. I was just doing same....
Wife- What was the result..????

Husband - I realized that I'm not Bapu..

I am Asaram Bapu..!!
carlos
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Posts: 283
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Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES .... Types of Hells

Postby carlos » Mon Oct 07, 2013 9:51 pm

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."

The man doesn't like it, so he moves on and checks out the American hell, the Russian hell and hells of other countries.

He finds that they're all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long queue of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells; so why are so many people waiting to get in here?" wonders the man.

He is told, "Because the maintenance here is so bad that the electric chair does not work,?

Someone has stolen all the nails from the bed??

and the Indian devil is a former government servant,

So he just comes, signs the attendance register and then goes to the canteen..!"????
carlos
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Posts: 283
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Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Tue Oct 08, 2013 10:19 pm

BRAN FLAKES

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a holiday vacation, and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'


Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Tony looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony.

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...

'Never again'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said

'You and your Bran Flakes.

We could have been here ten years ago!'
carlos
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Posts: 283
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Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

Re: HEALTHY JOKES ....

Postby carlos » Fri Nov 01, 2013 11:06 pm

THE BENEFITS OF AGING


At the root of every gray hair, there is a dead brain cell.
Someone had to remind me,
So I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh.... It is all true!


Perks of reaching 50
Or being over 60
And heading towards
70 or beyond!


1.
Kidnappers are not very
Interested in you.


2.
In a hostage situation,
You are likely to be released first.


3.
No one expects you to run --
Anywhere.


4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'


5.
People no longer view you as a
Hypochondriac.


6.
There is nothing left
To learn the hard way.


7.
Things you buy now
Won't wear out.


8.
You can eat
Supper at 4 PM.


9..
You can live without sex
But not your glasses.


10.
You get into heated arguments
About pension plans.


11.
You no longer think of speed limits
As a challenge.


12.
You quit trying to hold
Your stomach in no matter who walks
Into the room.


13.
You sing along
With elevator music.


14.
Your eyes won't get
Much worse.


15.
Your investment in health insurance
Is finally beginning to pay off.


16.
Your joints are moreaccurate meteorologists
Than the national weather service.


17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
Because they can't remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
A manageable size.


19.
You can't remember
Who sent you this list.


And you notice these are all
In big print
For your convenience.



AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER,NEVER ,

Under any circumstances,
Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on
The same night!

"Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them, but you know they are always there."
carlos
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Posts: 283
Joined: Sat May 08, 2010 2:12 pm
Location: Satgura de Charna Kamala ....

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